I just listened to this incredible Radiolab show about the power of how we think about things and what we believe. Are you curious about the science of placebos and how you might be able to apply the mystery of these little nuggets to your life? If so, I suggest listening to the first 20-25 […]

click here to read the intro on the Four Horsemen 3. Defensiveness The Gottman’s describe defensiveness as having three varietals: righteous indignation i.e. “No I didn’t! I never do!” counter attacks i.e. “But You do that all the time!” innocent victim-hood, like whining. i.e. “But I was so busy doing what you wanted me to […]

click here to read the intro on the Four Horsemen 2. Contempt The Gottman’s describe contempt as “coming from a superior position” and being “fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner.”  “Contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It seems strong, yes, but contempt is a sneaky little guy that can […]

click here to read the intro on the Four Horsemen 1. Criticism is a “broad-based attack on a person’s character.”  The Gottman’s also see criticism as stating a “defect in one’s partner’s personality or character.” Criticism can sometimes include dramatic words like “always” and “never.” Like all of the horsemen, criticism sabotages what you are trying to get […]

The Gottman Institute has found that when partners criticize each other, there is an important message they want their partner to get. Yet saying that message as a criticism and not as a complaint sabotages the listener’s ability to hear that message. Here is a suggestion of some ways to complain better so the complaint will more likely be […]

i’m always searching for metaphors that help to understand complex aspects of life more succinctly. here is one i keep turning back to: the rhizome. rhizomes grow in the earth. they are a unique kind of root system. if roots were to organize in order to create a more sustainable root system that wasn’t dependent […]