if you like being right, and you’re also human.

We all make mistakes, we all screw up, and we all do and say things that hurt people. If you also like to be right (and admitting a mistake or a wrongdoing is hard for you), than this might be for you. (And you are in such good company.) The Gottmans, from their invaluable research with […]

4 of 4, The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling

click here to first read the intro on the Four Horsemen so the below post will make sense ;-). 4. Stonewalling is the 4th one. It’s simple; it’s giving your partner the message “I didn’t hear you” or “I don’t care” or “You don’t exist” or “Whatever. I’m out.” It works well to have people leave […]

3 of 4, The Four Horsemen: Defensiveness

click here to read the intro on the Four Horsemen 3. Defensiveness The Gottman’s describe defensiveness as having three varietals: righteous indignation i.e. “No I didn’t! I never do!” counter attacks i.e. “But You do that all the time!” innocent victim-hood, like whining. i.e. “But I was so busy doing what you wanted me to […]

2 of 4, The Four Horsemen: Contempt

click here to read the intro on the Four Horsemen 2. Contempt The Gottman’s describe contempt as “coming from a superior position” and being “fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner.”  “Contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It seems strong, yes, but contempt is a sneaky little guy that can […]

1 of 4, The Four Horsemen: Criticism

click here to read the intro on the Four Horsemen 1. Criticism is a “broad-based attack on a person’s character.”  The Gottman’s also see criticism as stating a “defect in one’s partner’s personality or character.” Criticism can sometimes include dramatic words like “always” and “never.” Like all of the horsemen, criticism sabotages what you are trying to get […]

How to Complain & More Likely Be Heard

The Gottman Institute has found that when partners criticize each other, there is an important message they want their partner to get. Yet saying that message as a criticism and not as a complaint sabotages the listener’s ability to hear that message. Here is a suggestion of some ways to complain better so the complaint will more likely be […]